The musky, stained undergarments of Rue McClanahan have barely settled upon the grimey stage floor, and already we have yet another Film Crew DVD creeping up towards us like so many a terror. Already, DVD Talk has a review of the next installment, Killers From Space. The review is favorable and on-par with reviews for Hollywood After Dark. Killers arrives on August 7th to take from you your moneys.
Hollywood After Dark was released this week and, appropriately, reviews of the DVD have been popping up all over the internet. Now, I don’t report every single mention that crops up on the interwebs, but I’ve run across a few substantial reviews and figured I’d compile them into one post.
Most notably, IGN chimes in with their lengthy, technical review, erroneously switching Bill’s and Kevin’s old puppeteering roles. They basically say that it’s great for MST fans and they give it an Editor’s Choice Award, though they lament the lack of a non-Film Crew version of the movie on the disc. (I’ll never understand that complaint.) They give it a 9/10.
Pop Matters gave the disc a very positive review, also. The Blogger News Network is equally as glowing. The Houston Chronicle is somewhat more vague, however, as they appear to simply be reporting the existance of the DVD series. And… did Mike just call us “smug people”? Anyway, hopefully I’ll be able to get my hands on a copy sometime and give you my take on it. You know, if I get some spare cash.
Alien From L.A. is the tale of Wanda Saknussemmememmenemm (Ireland), a nerdy young lady who is voiced by a choir of field mice. After getting dumped by her shallow boyfriend, she goes off to Africa to find her recently-dead father. While stumbling around in a coke-induced daze, Wanda falls down a hole and into Australia- OH! I mean, Atlantis. Sorry. It’s a Mad Maxxian city populated by mostly-Australian people who are ruled by an Orwellian government of some sort. See, they don’t want Atlanteans believing in aliens, or people from the surface. We’re not really sure why, but this does not bode well for our nerdy- oh, wait! Wanda’s not nerdy anymore! She turned into Kathy Ireland! Hurrah! So, a very long story made shortish, Wanda is hunted down, arrested, finds her father, and they’re both rescued by her really Australian male friend. She and her father escape to the surface, and Wanda gets even with her ex-boyfriend by informing him that she’s now equipped with breasts. Still voiced by field mice, though.
The review is under the cut, as the kids say. (more…)
Disaster movie showcase of the stars! Anyway, knuckle down, because this might take a bit of work to summarize.
Somewhere in… um, a city… Sorry, I wasn’t really paying attention. Anyway, a house burns down because a kid tries a cigarette – but WAIT! That’s merely a prelude to the nasty, evil fire that gets “On” “City.” The titular fire is started by a decidedly mental young man obsessed with Susan Clark. Meanwhile, Susan Clark is secretly getting funky with Mayor Leslie Nielsen, and Photographer Guy has the scandalous pictures to prove it! Meanwhile, Dr. Barry is boinking one of his new nurses, but this isn’t really relevant. Meanwhile, Ava Gardner(!) is TV producer James Franciscus’ alcoholic anchorwoman! Meanwhile, Mental Stalker Guy is denied a promotion to foreman at the refinery, so he floods the entire city with oil, setting the stage for two welders to accidentally start the not-quite-towering inferno! Meanwhile, nearly the entire cast gets trapped inside Dr. Barry Newman and Nurse Shelley Winters’ new hospital! Meanwhile, the hospital catches fire and Dr. Barry Newman has to save the day, while the rest of our cast redeems themselves via their own little subplots… uh, with the exception of Shelley Winters and Mr. Mental, who die just seconds away from safety. Finally, the hospital gang flees to safety which, oddly enough, was just down the street, as Mayor Leslie Nielsen has way too much fun hosing people down. Meanwhile, Henry Fonda safely watches over everyone like some kind of Fire Chief god.
City On Fire! Henry Fonda IS the God of Hell-fire! Sorry, it’s hard to write short synopses for these all-star-cast movies with a million little plots. More intense action after the jump. (more…)
Good grief, this thing is a mess. So, there’s this tripped out lady named Batwoman in an awkwardly revealing costume, who employs a gaggle of scantily-clad women to do her vague bidding. Her arch-nemesis is apparently a Mexican wrestler named Ratfink, whose henchmen kidnap one of Batwoman’s girls and feed her a pill, invented by Ratfink’s vaguely European scientist, which makes the victim dance uncontrollably. And that’s it. I think. Yes, it seems that Ratfink’s grand plan is, primarily, to force attractive young women to dance against their will. Then, Ratfink and his falsely-bearded thugs will… do… bad things? I guess. It’s sort of an epic battle between the forces of vague and goofy. There’s also an atomic hearing aid involved, but I didn’t really get that part. None of this matters, anyway. There is no coherence here. Please, turn back. It’s all doughy, mincing men flailing around with exploited, though attractive, women. Run. Quickly. There aren’t enough levels of hell for this film. There is death in this place.
I wouldn’t advise clicking this link… (more…)
What you are about to read is an absolute waste of time. Okay, well, it is necessary for anyone interested in my MST3K reviews. But not so much, for those who come here for the Killers posts. This is kind of a serious post, but only in the sense that I’m not trying to be funny. So, without further ado, click ‘more’ for a fan essay that just screams, “I’m really single.”
Seriously, though, if you plan on reading my MST3K reviews, it’s a must-read. But it still screams, “I’m so alone. Help me.” (more…)
Our movie opens with a large, baseball-playing family man rescuing a young girl from being assaulted by two thugs. The big guy is then promptly murdered before the eyes of his loving wife and his son, Tony. Fast-forwarding a few years, Jon Mikl Thor is the long-haired, nipple-baring adult version of Tony. He’s surprisingly well-adjusted, and surprisingly sexually ambiguous. While walking home from the store, Tony gets run over and killed by a group of five unruly partiers cruising for “sleazy chicks.” Instead of going for a traditional funeral, Tony’s mom decides to resurrect her son via voodoo priestess Molly – who is, as we learn, the girl that Tony’s late father saved. Like a good zombie, Tony exacts revenge on those who done wronged him. Enter Adam West, as corrupt police Captain Tom Churchman. He’s got it out for the kids of today and – DUN DUN DUNN! – he was also one of the thugs who murdered Tony’s dad and assaulted Molly! Adam wants Tony, Molly, and noble Detective Frank all dead. (Well, technically, I guess he wants Tony dead again.) Holding them all at gunpoint, things appear bleak for our quasi-heroes, until Molly calls upon Tony’s zombie dad to drag Adam West down into the bowels of Hell. And so, Detective Frank and the gravelly Medical Examiner triumph over police corruption and voodoo zombies.
Ample quantities of Tia Carrere after the jump. (more…)
Somewhere in a not-quite-NASA building, white men in suits launch a valuable test rocket. Of course, everything goes horribly wrong and the rocket shoots off-course. Enter smooth and sexy Cesar Romero as big Major Joe Nolan! He’s a slick playboy pilot, called in to lead the search-and-rescue. After assembling a team that includes Ward Cleaver and a misshapen little man from Green Acres, they fly off in search of the downed rocket. And – doodly doodly doop! – they then crash on the LOST CONTINENT! They learn from the obligatory attractive native woman that the rocket crashed on top of a large mountain. And so begins – ROCK CLIMBING! After 53 hours of rock climbing, the crew reaches a lush jungle populated by Ray Harry Hausen-reject dinosaurs. Fortunately, while they’re up there, several members of the expedition meet untimely demises. In the end, the entire island spontaneously starts falling apart and our heroes steal a boat before the whole thing goes under. Set adrift, cigarettes are lit and glances are exchanged. The end. Of a whole week spent rock climbing.
More rock climbing. Click here: (more…)
Rod Tillman is a stockcar driver who’s all out of money. As stockcar drivers who are all out of money tend to do, he sells his trailer and hangs out in a swinging ’60s bar. In one of these bars, he meets the WIIIIIILD REBELS, three bikers and a lady who want Rod to drive the getaway car for their ‘jobs.’ As you might expect, they all have wacky names, like Banjo and Fats and Moon Zoom and Droppo. Despite giving him free use of the lady, Linda, Rod opts out. On his way out, he gets recruited by the police to go undercover amongst the bikers, who somehow are rather ‘smart’ criminals. Though initially successful, Rod’s cover is eventually blown during a bank robbery, and those wild, wild rebels take him hostage, forcing him to drive them across miles of dense shrubbery. The gang finally decides to stop and shoot it out with the cops in the most logical place imaginable, a lighthouse. (Well, I can see- HUH?!) Needless to say, the three bikers die and Linda has a change of heart, saving the life of our wounded hero. So, Linda goes off to a life in prison and Rod starts a beautiful friendship with the doughy Lieutenant Dorn.
More viscious wild rebelling after the jump! (more…)
Welcome to the White Male Future, starring BIG Wendell Corey and SEXY Irene Tsu! Wendell’s mind-numbing crew goes on a rescue mission to save the slightly less mind-numbing crew of a downed spaceship. Once they get there, they face super-imposed iguanas, easily-avoidable pools of boiling liquid, and a stuffed spider on a string. Surprisingly, it’s not John Agar’s usually-endless streams of dialogue that offend the senses, but it’s the endless fondling and mugging by comic reliever Paul Gilbert. Anyway, Irene Tsu gets lost and abducted by the dreamy Tang, yes, I said Tang. The two fall in love and Tang gets shot but doesn’t die and the planet ends up being Earth and they’re Adam and Eve and I want to pants the hell out of this sand-blastingly boring movie.
Now, on to the particulars… (more…)